June 15th marks the one-year anniversary of the Stanley Cup riot—or so we’ve been told countless times whenever we open a newspaper or cross another day off our 12 Months of Vancouver Douchebaggery advent calendar. Here’s how some of the thousands of rioters will be celebrating.
• A romantic stroll around Stanley Park with a charred, but very affordable Louis Vuitton shoulder bag that didn’t find a buyer on Craigslist.
• A hot make-out session with a smoky bandana, which hasn’t been washed for an entire year.
• Getting drunk on the SkyTrain with fellow celebrants before swarming a terracotta warrior.
• Devising ridiculous trades for Roberto Luongo while saying to anyone who’ll listen that the Canucks lost to the Stanley Cup winner this year.
• Doing what everyone else is doing.
• Packing for one-month jail sentence while mumbling, “This is crazy, I can’t believe I didn’t get a slap on the wrist for spending four hours downtown tipping cars over, damaging property, refusing to leave the area despite instructions from the police thus further contributing to the mob mentality of rioters and saying that the owner of the car I helped damage shouldn’t have parked downtown and that everyone knows the police dropped the ball that night… It’s just crazy.”
